1. Never lend a book out to anyone, because they will never return it.

Whether it be a friend, a coworker or a lover, they are never going to going to give that reading material to it’s rightful home. An ex boyfriend has my copy of Death with InterruptionsA friend took a copy of Blindness to Copenhagen, a coworker is still borrowing Less than Zero, and I’ve still no idea why I leant my copy of All the Pretty Horses to my mum. These books probably have better homes with these people—I’ve already read them. We should probably aspire to spread around great literature, but Goddamn those are my books. I like having my books lined around my room. It makes me look smarter than I really am. However, I’m also guilty of perpetual book borrowing. I’ve still got House of Leaves, An Illustrated Nietzsche, the Johnny Cash Autobiography, and As I Lay Dying at my place. I’ve read them all, but I still haven’t sent them on their way. Like I said, never lend out books.

2. A Roommate will always suck.

I’ve never had a good living situation. I’ve moved in with strangers and friends alike. Every single roommate made me want to pull shenanigans. I constantly hope they trip on the landing, which wouldn’t be shocking the way they annoyingly run up and down the stairs; walking like a civilized person is a hard concept people. But still, these roommate relationships fail because I’m fundamentally not a people person.  I can be out going all day long and be your funnest friend, but as soon as I get home I revert into a territorial caveman. The living room, bathroom, kitchen—all mine. Anyone constantly in my space will draw my ire. My friends come over and meet my roommates and usually wonder why the hell I constantly complain about my cohabbitators, It isn’t usually my roommate’s fault—usually.

3. Your Parents are always going to be there for you.

Cheesy, yes. True, yes. I was one of those kids who hated my parents. They never understood me, and generally just didn’t get “it.” Honestly, they still don’t, but my relationship to that parental entity has changed. When I was kid, I would of gotten into so much trouble if I’d been allowed to run buck wild. I still got into trouble, but the shit could of been much deeper. Today, my parents probably don’t understand why I do what I do, but thats okay. They understand that I’m a grown man, and that my choices are mine to make. They still want to know what is going on in my life and are always there to listen to my constant complaining. My mum has yet to change her number because I call to bitch all the time. That’s good parenting. Plus, going home is awesome because they have high-speed internet.

4. Avoiding an ex is pointless.

They call, they message, they generally exist in the same city as you. If there is one person a rational person wants to avoid, it is their ex. I’m no different as I’m not a glutton for punishment. When someone hurts you (or you hurt them), it doesn’t really feel all that good to be forced to run into them constantly. The conversation is awkward, forced and leaves a weird knot in the stomach. Its a hellish five minute event, but we feel obligated to do it because this person used to mean so much to us. To avoid these little hearts to hearts, some of us avoid old romping grounds or keep our eyes glued to our phones in our exes’ vicinity. How about we collectively grow up? Yeah, those conversations suck, but they don’t have to. Why don’t we all just ask them how they’re doing? And in return, just answer that we are fine? Painless. Plus, we can go back to our favorite sushi place without fear.


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